Annalie Howling, performance coach and trauma specialist, has spent years helping people unpick the invisible forces shaping their lives — and at the centre of it all, she says, is shame. In her new book Unapologetic, she pulls back the curtain on the quiet narratives that keep us small, drawing on her own story, the experiences of her clients, and expert insight to show how shame infiltrates the everyday. With clarity and compassion, Howling invites readers to stop “should-ing” themselves into burnout and instead meet their pain with understanding, boundaries and self-compassion — the true antidote to the stories that hold us back.
What inspired you to write this book — and what do you hope readers take away?
Every day in my practice I meet people who’ve carried shame for decades. It’s invisible, but it quietly dictates everything — from how they love to how they live. I wanted to create an accessible way for people to unpack that, through my own stories, my clients’ experiences, and expert voices, to reveal how shame has woven itself into ordinary life.
The more I’ve spoken about it — on podcasts, in interviews, in therapy rooms — the clearer it’s become: whatever the presenting issue, untreated shame sits at the root. Shame is a liar. It tells us we are too difficult, too broken, too unworthy and it’s too late to change that.
But there is a cure. You reach the bottom of the bag and there it is — the cure for shame: self-compassion. And it’s available to all of us. So much of what we call self-care is just another way to tell yourself you’re failing. Unapologetic invites you to go deeper — to stop scratching the surface and face the thing that truly sets you free. When we break these rules, we gain our freedom.
Working so closely with trauma can be emotionally demanding. How do you protect your own well-being and maintain balance?
It begins with boundaries — energetic, physical, mental and emotional. Movement is my meditation; I let whatever I’ve absorbed move through my body rather than store itself there. As I write in Unapologetic, shoving things down doesn’t make them go away.
I also ask for help. I have a trusted network and I honour my need for deep self-care — saying no when necessary, resting, surrounding myself with beauty. Integrity is not a one-time act — it’s a habit.
EMDR work is physical and I only do it in person, so I balance that intensity with nurturing spaces. Some of the retreat venues I now use I discovered through BlueSkyFriday, and they’ve become sanctuaries for me as much as for my clients. Healing requires environments that hold us safely — spaces that allow the nervous system to exhale. If we lived in our authenticity, in our fullest shame-free expression, we would feel our natural aliveness in all that we do.
What are the biggest misconceptions about trauma and healing?
That your pain must be dramatic to count. Many minimise their experiences and feel unworthy of the word trauma. People don’t feel worthy of the pain that they feel — and that to label it trauma would be to make an illegitimate claim. Shame wins again if not even your trauma is ‘good’ enough.
Your nervous system doesn’t rank by spectacle. There is no bar to entry, no regulator that certifies trauma, no threshold an experience must cross to ‘count’. If it traumatised you, that is trauma.
I work with everything from bereavement and betrayal to humiliation, early sexual experiences and assault. What unites all of it is shame — the residue left in the body after trauma. Healing begins when you stop ranking your pain and start naming it. Because no trauma is too small, no event too silly.
If someone feels stuck in stress or burnout, what is one practical first step?
The first step is to stop “should-ing” yourself. The endless “I should…”, “I must…”, “I ought to…” is simply people-pleasing in disguise — and it’s one of the biggest drivers of burnout.
This book is the antidote to that cycle. Unapologetic will help you understand why you keep over-giving, why “no” feels dangerous, and how to reclaim the time and energy that are already yours. When you stop living by other people’s expectations, you don’t become selfish — you become sustainable.
Self-care is not indulgent; it’s intelligent. When we act in a truly selfish way, it’s to the detriment of others. When we practise genuine self-care, everyone benefits — because the people you love get the best possible version of you.
As I write in Unapologetic, I have never met a woman who does not suffer greatly from denying her own needs. This book shows you how to stop doing that — without guilt, without apology, and without burning yourself out in the process.
To read about Unapologetic and enter a competition to win a copy of the book, click here.
Transform Your Trauma — Benham Park, 19–23 March 2026
Join me for my signature residential retreat at the newly re-imagined Benham Park, Berkshire — the first retreat to be hosted in this exquisite historic estate. Expect:
Spaces are extremely limited. BlueSkyFriday members receive 10% off — quote BLUESKY when emailing team@annaliehowling.com for more information.
November, 2025
